Pregnancy Week 26

Well the boom is over and I’ve sunk into the deepest relapse in almost a year. In one fell swoop I’ve been knocked down and put out – lying useless on the sofa with the radio, all the life drained from my limbs, time and ambitions ceased. I find meaning in my day by knitting two little squares of my baby blanket.

So pregnancy isn’t the miracle antidote to ME. This is the first time in six months I’ve felt the full force of ME as distinct from the nausea and malaise of pregnancy. Its peculiar and unmistakeable way of severing my energy flow. And yet I’m not alone or useless in my incapacity because there’s another being living her life inside me who is definitely not subdued by my weakness. It’s wonderful to feel kicking inside my lifeless body. I can’t wait to have her in the room beside me but in a sense I feel she already is, keeping me company, keeping me from the solipsism of an acute relapse. She’s demanding my attention already and making me feel necessary in the world instead of feeling like a dead weight. She’s connecting me to the chain of life.

I’m no longer afraid of the times when I’ll be alone with her since we are already in a kind of symbiosis. Life still feels full and urgent. There are baby catalogues to study, equipment to order, lots of research to be done!