0-3 Months

What help did I need?
For the first week, which was spent in hospital, I could do nothing except try to keep up with breastfeeding every 2-3 hours. M was in hospital with me the whole time, taking Sofia when she cried so I could rest, even helping me with my own personal care. I didn’t change a single nappy for the first week.

Getting home from hospital was terrifying! I could still barely walk from exhaustion and what scared me the most was not being able to give Sofia away to the midwives at night. Sleep deprivation had been my biggest worry throughout the pregnancy. Although M was going to be on night duty we have a tiny flat and I worried that her crying would keep me awake. He took her on the sofabed in the living room at first. But I soon realised that luckily she did have a longish stretch of sleep (about 4 hours) which became our long stretch, and then after a breastfeed she would go back to sleep and we could too. So we soon put her in her moses basket by our bed. For about two months after the birth my quality of sleep was surprisingly good! I could drop off and sleep soundly and refreshingly as soon as I finished feeding. There was none of the terrible ME insomnia where you’re awake for no reason and feel sleep deprived the next day. I think there was still a high level of hormones from the pregnancy which had suppressed certain aspects of ME. When I did have a relapse at eight weeks I suffered much more from the ME-related insomnia, even though Sofia was sleeping well at that time, than I did from having the broken sleep due to her crying and feeding.

Our plan had always been that M would give Sofia a bottle in the night to give me a longer stretch of sleep. At the beginning it was sometimes two bottles if she was hungry again straight away. At first he cup feed her, rather than bottle feeding (see entry in Birth about first days in hospital) not to compromise the establishment of breastfeeding. Standard advice is to wait around 6 weeks before introducing a bottle so as not to confuse baby, but luckily Sofia worked it out for herself.

The first month was a blur that I can hardly remember! M was fortunately off work for a month and his mother came to stay for three weeks. After that my mum stepped in and came around most days. So I had plenty of helping hands,. There were lots of emotional issues around dependency for me at this stage. I’ll deal with them elsewhere (under Bonding). The main help I needed was for doing all the washing and cooking, (some of which I had been able to do before Sofia). Half the time I managed to change Sofia by myself; the rest of the time others did it for me. And often I needed help with breastfeeding because I had to install a complex system of cushions to bring Sofia up to the right height and position because my arm muscles couldn’t cope with the strain of holding her in place. When I was really tired people would lift her into place for me. The hardest aspect of the dependency on others was with breastfeeding: not feeling that I could feed my baby spontaneously and independently like other mums did. It was about 6 or 8 weeks before I even attempted feeding outside the house, with my cushions in tow. Whereas the other mums I knew were at it here, there and everywhere and made it look so enviably easy from the word go. Plus it was very painful for me for about 7 weeks, which of course can happen to anyone.

Strategies for coping:

Well, I was a Sofamum in the true sense of the word – when I wasn’t in bed, that is. Apart from the fact I didn’t have the energy to cook, do the washing etc, lifting and carrying Sofia around the flat was very, very exhausting. I restricted it to the bare minimum: once or twice a day when I was on my own to put her to sleep in her moses basket in our room. Luckily we have no stairs as I couldn’t manage carrying her upstairs at all.

The rest of the time she was with me on the sofa most of the day, often sleeping next to me, or on top of me. I tried to have everything to hand around our little island of survival. I had a changing bag beside me (hopefully) stocked up with enough nappies for the day. I used a changing mat made of towelling with a plastic backing (any kind would do though) and changed her beside me on the sofa. (Yes, it did get weed on quite a few times…) But I did often need people’s help nonetheless to fetch me clean water and a change of clothes when they got poo’d on. Once she reached about 4 months and couldn’t be left on the sofa in case she rolled over, I had to change her on the floor.

I almost gave up breastfeeding many a time when the combination of pain, exhaustion and sheer drudgery of setting everything up for feeding every 2-3 hours overwhelmed me. I would often feel low and tearful in the afternoons but bright and cheery in the mornings. I think that was due to the pattern of hormones still raging around at that stage. I found it very helpful to leave Sofia to others and go for a short 5-10 min walk up the road and back once I had enough energy. It’s important for your sanity to try and step back from the constant demands of crying, feeding etc and do something for yourself even for five minutes if possible.

For the first couple of months I think I had someone around most of the time. But I sometimes managed to look after Sofia for 2-3 hours on my own and it worked wonders for the bond between us, even though it was hard and scary at first, not knowing whether exhaustion would overwhelm me or if she might scream and scream and I wouldn’t be able to cope alone. I finally felt in charge of my baby and developed a dialogue with her, just by chatting away to her. I knew her smiles (after 4 weeks) were just for me. I felt I was protecting her and nurturing her. When there are constantly others around you don’t really develop an interaction with your baby in the same way. Others always want the smiles for themselves and want to get their share of attention.

I tried to be the one who decided when she needed to feed, when she needed to sleep, and when she should have a kick on her playmat. It was very hard as other people had their points of view and when you’re inexperienced you don’t necessarily get it right even if it is your baby. All new mums experience this frustration of conflicting advice and uncertainty when getting to know their baby’s needs. But with ME it’s compounded. You have people’s well-meaning advice around you constantly if you need their help. And it’s harder to assume authority if you can’t actually do the task of changing, or putting to bed, or stopping baby crying by carrying it around, by yourself.

Looking Back now that Sofia's 18 months

The most striking thing is how my muscles have strengthened as she has grown. This is contrary to all expectations and previous experience with my ME. Pushing myself to increase muscle strength and exercise tolerance always made me relapse in the past. I never thought my muscles would be able to gradually get stronger. I find it easier to lift and carry Sofia now that she weighs 9.5 kilos (a featherweight for her age) than initially when she weighed only 3.5k! I still only do it when I have to, mind you. I rejoice in it but I don't know how to explain this ME anomaly. Except that I have experienced a slight improvement in my health generally in the last two years. I think this is unrelated to having a baby.