The dreaded double whammy is upon us. I’ve been knee-deep in relapse and Sofia has Chicken Pox. She can’t go to nursery. My parents have been deployed in Emergency Measures.
The cabin fever I always get with a relapse is worse now that I’m a mum. I had become so good at flicking that switch in my brain to expand my mental world in response to sensory deprivation and a shrunken universe. Radio 4 usually did it for me. A feature on scallop divers in Scotland, or a Sikh temple in Hounslow where anyone can dine for free. Then I would seize upon any sign of renewed energy to stick my nose outside and sniff the open sky.
Now I can’t do that any more. I have to be fully tuned to the grimness of the here and now. Especially with Sofia constantly demanding, contradicting, wailing and scratching. Bless her poxy socks. She has to be medicated, hydrated and plied with biscuits round the clock (that’s all she’ll eat). All the creativity I previously channeled into escapism is now spent on devising ways to keep her Not Too Unhappy and me Horizontal simultaneously.
My grip on motherhood slips away. A subtle shift in our rapport occurs where I become a source of frustration and disappointment to her and she looks elsewhere for the level of engagement I can no longer give her.
And the bruising isolation that always envelops me in a relapse is doubled too. It’s all in my head, I know: but the feeling of being forgotten about, buried underground by my misfortune as the fragile threads of my social world collapse one by one with each cancelled event – it feels worse now that it extends to Sofia’s world too. I can’t stand the thought of Sofia growing up feeling that she’s an outcast too.
But the Double Whammy does have its moments of serendipity. Drowsy from her medicine, Sofia called out “foufa, mummy, foufa, foufa!” What the hell does she want now, I wondered. Oh, of course: “Sofa”! She wants us to stretch out and cuddle up together on the sofa. Yes, darling, I can go with that.
About Me
- Catherine Hale
- I had had severe ME for 16 years before I had my two girls, Sofia and Rosa. During those years ME prevented me from working, socialising, getting out of the house and sometimes sitting up or feeding myself. So having a baby was the biggest gamble I have even taken. My lack of muscle power and stamina meant I could barely lift or carry Sofia from when she was born and needed full time support with parenting. The folly of having a second child came with an unexpected improvement in health. My ME has gone from severe to moderate. I wrote this blog from 2006 – 2007 to record the joys and blessings, as well as the difficulties, of being a sofa-bound mother. And also to pass on tips to others who might travel the same road.
2 comments:
Sympathies Sofamum,
at least Sofia can get those darn pox over with early in life.
I like 'sniffing the open sky'. I know exactly what you mean. Our noses twitch like doggies.
-C
thank you, Ciara. She's better now, though not back at nursery yet, and I've had a (temporary I think) reprieve from the relapse. Loved what you said recently about "gazing at stuff". Been doing as much of that as possible to stop my brain going round the bend from the same four walls.
Post a Comment