Here's a message I posted on ME-CFS Parents message board. I have avoided writing about my mother on this blog because I would hate her to read it. But today I've decided to take that risk. I'm aiming to portray what it's like to be a mum with severish ME and not to mention the massive emotional fallout of being so heavily dependent on my mother is only to tell half the story. So here goes...
Does anyone else depend heavily on their mother for help looking after their baby/toddler? Do you find it a strain?
I’m fairly severely affected with ME and can’t look after Sofia (nearly 2) all day on my own so 2 days a week she goes to nursery and the other days my mum comes around to help out, take her out etc.
My relationship with my mum is getting increasingly strained. Like all grandmothers, my mum dotes on her only grandchild and is enjoying a second youth being around Sofia. She’s fit and well and has boundless energy to be her ideal playmate and entertain her all day long. She carries her around (because I can’t) and behaves as if she was her mum in a lot of ways (minus the discipline and the drudgery). I don’t think she means to or realises it. I think most grannies have a tendency to take over given the chance but I have no way of imposing any boundaries with her because I need her to do so much for me. She does chores around the house as well as taking Sofia out to do fun things. I feel Sofia clearly sees my mum as the one in charge when she’s there and she shows preferences for her over me all the time. She often rejects me when my mum’s around. Even though she’s probably doing it to play up, its so demoralising. I can’t possibly compete with my mum for energy and enthusiasm. I feel like the boring one laid up on the sofa all the time. Countless times I’ve wanted to shout at my mum to back off and leave us alone but I bite my tongue every time because I would just have to beg her to come back again. I’ve tried to cope without help but I just can’t. It’s really getting me down and making me feel worthless.
It wouldn’t be so bad if my mum just took Sofia to her house for the day and I wasn’t around. Like what happens with many working mums. I trust my mum with her and I’m glad Sofia gets on so well with her. The problem is me being around and feeling like a useless third leg. Struggling to feel like I’m Sofia’s mum and my own mum is just my helper when it doesn’t feel like that at all.
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6 comments:
hey honey, this is a tricky one . . . oh dear . . . i guess whoever you have helping with sofie is probably goin to trigger these kind of feelings, cos whoever is helping is going to have more energy than you . . . the added complexity of the main helper being your mum is bound to strain your relationship . . . i don't have a child & am not as ill as you, but certainly have similar issues in that i am still dependent on my mum emotionally and physically & financially - in ways i would not be if i were well . . . we have a good relationship, but it does reach crisis point now & then, so just trying to say that you are not alone in these difficult dependency issues... must be a bit of a minefield for your mum too, am sure she is aware of not wanting to tread on your toes... i guess at the end of the day illness creates dependency & we have to cope with the issues the dependency throws up...but, honey, you are sofie's mum & nothing can change that... sorry not be of more help...did the message board help?
Thank you. It helps a lot just to get it off my chest! I could never have imagined, before Sofia was born, the intensity of these feelings of dependency and well... rivalry, even, with my mum. Like you there were dependency issues before due to the ME but they were manageable then. Now at 36 i've become the sullen cantakerous teenager that I never actually was who can't rebel and leave home!
You're right that it's hard for my mum too. I know she tries sometimes to do the right thing.
Also true that whoever is in the helper role will have more energy than me. But grandmothers and other relatives have a special investment in the child that is different from a paid help
and I think it's impossible for them to have the healthy detachment that a mother's help role requires.
It's a tough one, thanks for your support.
ps. sorry for wrong spelling of sofia, my friend's baby is anna sofie, hence my head getting muddled.
Horrid situation and I have some experience that connects in as much as I have M.E. and when I was first ill this time (in 2001)I was so unwell that I could do almost nothing with our (then) 2 year old daughter (whose middle name, funnily enough, is also Sofia). I went from being an enthusiastic jolly parent to being a blob who was asleep or confused or grumpy. It was terribly hard for my daughter and my son (then 5) to understand.
I felt guilty, angry, useless, ashamed, sad all at the same time and I also felt jealous of my partner and my Mum (who was nearly 80 by then) and brother-in-law, when then could do more with the kids than me. The worst time was when they all needed a break and went away for three days and I had to stay behind because I just couldn't travel. It was ghastly.
We've got thru it and my health is better than it was, though I'm nowhere near how I was and doubt I ever will be. My kids think it's normal to have a parent that sleeps for two hours everyday in the daytime, can only eat certain things, gets forgetful, cannot tolerate chemicals, never travels further than about ten miles on a v. v. good day --- they were amazed at Xmas when I managed to go one stop on a train to see a special Xmas Steam Train show. I haven't been on a train for 6 years. In the end I do what I can and involve them in things I can do no matter how small. I love them immensely and they love me.
I'm sure that Sofia loves you and knows you are her Mum. She will grow up knowing you are not like other Mums but in the end you *are* her Mum and she'll recognise your love.
I don't know, but I would bet that your Mum was a good parent and now she's trying to still be a good parent for you by looking after your needs (which include help with the little one)and looking after the needs of her grandchild. I bet she's aware of the heartache you're going through and your feelings of inadequacy, but is scared to broache the subject for fear of upsetting you.
Before your frustration and pain bursts out in ways which will hurt you and your Mum, why not be brave and take charge and let your Mum know how you feel: not in an accusing, hurtful way but just by stating the fact that you feel bad about the situation you've found yourselves in, and although there's not much you can do about it at the moment you need to get your feelings off your chest. If you say it all sensitively and let your Mum know that you appreciate her help, maybe you could have a heart to heart and get it all into the open. The pain you feel about the dependence on your Mum could be a mirror of the pain your Mum feels about your need to be dependent on her and the fact that she cannot see her daughter enjoying motherhood as she did.
Take care and be gentle with yourself
Thank you, cusp. It's such a relief to hear someone else describe the "anger, jealousy, sadness and frustration" of not being able to be the mum you want to be and witnessing others fill in those roles. I sometimes feel like I must have serious character flaws to be feeling so much negative emotion. It must be doubly horrible adjusting to becoming ill when your children knew you already as healthy. At least Sofia has only known me like this.
I appreciate what you said about my mum struggling too. I know she does. But talking to her about it is something I've tried many times and given up on. She's always been a difficult person to get through to and have a dialogue with. It never changes the situation, her behaviour or how I feel. I know that she knows anyway. I think we both try to handle the situation as best we can.
hey sofamum, so glad that cusp has visited with such wise & warm words! the reason i chose not to have a child was precisely because of my fears of not being able to be there for the baby 100%, and also dread of my own health worsening, but it still hurts that i have missed out on motherhood & also deprived my mum of a 'normal' rship with me in that respect, although she has beautiful grandsons from my brother & his wife. she has never made this an issue, & i know she would've worried sick if i had decided to become pregnant, given all the potential 'obstacles'. you are very brave, my dear, i admire you very much x
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