Pregnancy Week 18

I’ve reached four months but haven’t felt it move yet. But hearing its heartbeat was a great joy – knowing there’s really someone there.

I’m so proud of my pregnancy clothes. The two pairs of trousers I bought and the skirt my in-laws gave. I’m wearing them before I even need to. It’s as though I want to leave behind my old life and embark on this new one, which, for the first time in 15 years, was planned, desired and granted to me like the clothes I’ve chosen to live it with.

ME attacks continue unabated in their ferocity. The last one went on for about 10 days causing me sudden collapses of breathlessness with legs so weak and wobby I felt like a 90-year-old. Also terrible strain on my pelvic floor muscles (at least I assume that’s what they are – never been acquainted with them before). But back in London, the winter setting in feels cosy and rich with transformation. As M says, I’m like a plant that seems dormant in winter but is silently and invisibly producing great shoots which will burst forth in Spring! Hmm… not sure about the bursting bit.

Apparently 28 weeks is when the body starts getting into gear for delivery. That’s when antenatal classes are booked and decisions about the birth made. So that’s 10 weeks away. Until then the foetus is not yet a sound bet, as my GP puts it. It’s still a potentiality. That’s fine. I’m quite enjoying it like this.