Cross-Section of a Relapse (Sofia 15 Months)

15th June 2006. Sofia 15 months.

The serpent has struck. The relapse is deadly. More vicious than I could have imagined a couple of weeks ago when it started. Like a payback for these three months of gentle, moderate life. Body, mind and soul have been wrestled to the ground, again and again, each time I come up for air, shuffling to the dishwasher to put away a couple of mugs. my struggle is to hang on for dear life to the basics of motherhood: feeding Sofia and settling her to sleep at night. It's at the expense of washing or getting dressed or exchanging two words with M. I’ve keeled over from just trying to sit upright beside Sofia's highchair. There’s food encrusted all around her chair from where I haven’t been able to clean. When I've put her to bed at night I've frozen, slumped over with the paralysis of total exhaustion as she wriggles and resists sleep. It’s been without mercy. I haven't looked in the mirror for 10 days.

I should be thinking of all the things I HAVE done these last months. Pushed her on the swings, been to those toddler groups, got on a train, bought shoes, traipsed round a market, watched her bounce on her trampoline as I gently pulled a few weeds in the garden. Many a bleak winter dream has been fulfilled. And so there must be a God. I can’t recall those things clearly now. Everything is a fog of survival. The delicate balance of our trio is on a knife edge. M. is loosing his rag, shall we say.

The blessing is this: My bond with Sofia hasn’t been damaged as usual during a relapse. Mum has come in and taken over, as she’s had to. And Sofia trembles with delight when her playmate arrives at the door. But I’m still at the centre of her orbit. She comes to find me, glued to the sofa or buried under the duvet and throws herself into my arms with such love and tenderness that it more than makes my day. We have our little moment of togetherness and then she goes off for another adventure. I’ve been able to sing little songs, together with M, as he’s fed her, and she loved it. She brings me books to read.