Bombshell

25 April 2007

Hello. I haven’t visited the blogosphere for ages and that’s because things in the real world have been getting on top of me, and I developed a mental block. A mental block about how to tell my news (about why things have been getting on top of me). Which is that I’m pregnant. Again. With “Number Two”. Gulp. Deep Breath. I’m almost five months in now.

And then again, the longer I absenteed the more I convinced myself that no-one is even logging onto my blog anyway.

Phew. If anyone is reading this: No, it was not an accident. It was the result of an instinctive yearning for a second child winning over the rational conviction that bringing up another baby was a practical and logistical impossibility. Or rather, it was the result of leaving the door open to that mysterious contingency of conception that eluded us for so long when we tried for our first baby that I thought it would quite likely never happen again.

So for all these weeks fear, apprehension and a sense of irresponsibility and total inadequacy have dominated this pregnancy. But joy is there too and it’s finally starting to surface into broody optimism now that I have a bit more energy.

Please bear with me. I worry that for women with ME who would desperately love just the one baby but whose circumstances prevent motherhood, my news may be a blow. And my fears entirely self-inflicted and self-indulgent. And I do want to resume my normal business of telling the highs and lows of bringing up a toddler with ME.