baby blues

I've been tearful most days since the birth. They are totally hormone-fuelled, nothing to worry about. Mostly they've been a welling up of intense joy and gratitude at having the opportunity to do all this newborn baby thing again without all the anguish of the first time round. With Sofia I had pangs of separation every time someone else took her to change her, cuddle her, dress her, stop her crying because I couldn't do it myself. I needed so much affirmation that she knew that I was her mum, and not the various others helping me out. This time I'm fine about others taking over. I just know I'm Rosa's mum and I know she will know it in time too, and I know more or less what I'm doing. Im aware that this tiny, crossed-eyed, floppy bundle phase will be over before i know it and i want to savour every minute of it.

Occasionally there are tears of pain for Sofia. All through this pregnancy I've been traumatised at the thought of having to be an even more diluted mummy to her than i already was. For two and a half years I,ve tried to compensate for my inadequacies by making her my absolute number one priority. Now that umbilical cord is completely broken. I've lost the plot with her. I don't even know if she's drunk enough fluid, weed on her potty. I can't put her first any more. For a while after Rosa's birth she wouldn't cuddle me or even go near me. Yesterday was the first proper cuddle again. sometimes her face looks so sad when i'm stranded on the sofa breastfeeding Rosa instead of eating my dinner next to her at table. If I dwell on it i break down into sobs. So i try not to. She's doing well. Her daddy is more than filling in for me. She seems to like her sister. Everyone tells me how lucky she is to have a baby sister.