Pregnancy Week 14

Today I feel more like Paula Radcliffe huddled over the pavement in the Athens Olympic marathon. At least I did when I crumpled into a heap outside Costcutter after buying some eggs. Thank God M was there with me to shield me from the stares and glares of the neighbourhood. There I was, gutted and still without explanation for why a simple walk of 100 metres defeats me, even if it’s all I do all afternoon. I’m coming up to 15 weeks pregnant – surely these dramatic collapses should have passed by now?

My low blood pressure in the morning is better. But that stomach-in-a-vice nausea after eating seems to be getting worse. And if it’s linked to pressure on my stomach from my womb, surely it’s going to keep getting worse as I get bigger? It feels like a mechanical thing. I can’t see how it’s going to get better now as I’m well past the first trimester.

I’m scared. I can’t imagine what this pregnancy is going to do to my body which is already so beset with problems. Here’s the ME, knocking me off my little pedestal of confidence and well-being yet again. Though I’ve lost track of whether the ME is exacerbating the pregnancy or vice versa. I just feel very frightened right now about what I’ve let myself in for. I’m completely floored just by a tiny foetus. What will it do to me by the time it’s a 7lb baby? The thought of what lies inexorably ahead – an ever-increasing load on my poor crippled muscles, my internal organs getting more and more squashed until I burst – it feels a bit like facing death. A biological clock steadily wreaking havoc on my body that I can’t turn back.. Only I’m not going to die, right? I’m going to have a baby!!