There may be trouble ahead. But while there’s music and CBeebies and me and my girl, I’ll face the winter relapse and dance. (Well, shake a leg now and again.)
Sofia and I are in a state of mutual adoration that I only dreamed of a couple of months ago. When we were on holiday with the in-laws I was so jealous of another mummy-friend whose little girl (4 months older than Sofia) never left her orbit and never tired of her cuddles. At that time Sofia barely registered my existence except to play up at mealtimes and bedtimes. It was Daddy, Daddy, Daddy closely followed by Aunty, Uncle and Granny. I struggled desperately to cope with a different set-up: stairs that I couldn’t carry Sofia up adding to my dependence; relatives who turned somersaults all day long to win over my little girl’s heart. Yes, I was reduced to a pathetic, insecure wreck: jealous and resentful of other people’s good health because their boundless energy for fun and frolics seemed to lure my daughter away from our finely-tuned co-existence around the sofa. I just sat helplessly watching the spectacle. Drumming home to myself how Sofia patently needed more fun and stimulation than I could ever give her. How sad and inadequate a mum I felt. Poor Sofia. I had to steel myself to intervene and drag her away kicking and screaming for her dinner or nap.
Now things couldn’t be different. She worships the ground I walk on and never wants to leave my side. She would happily cuddle up on the sofa all day long with me watching CBeebies if I let her. We are madly in love. A silly part of me is a little worried that it’s not healthy. Often she screams when I put her down to make her tea and demands constant “cuwoos”. Is my vegetative lifestyle impeding her physical development and curiosity for the outside world due to setting a bad example? But no. Come Christmas those relatives will surely whisk her away from me again with their turmoil of excitement and laughter. And I’ll try to be a little less insecure and less mean-spirited this time and not begrudge them their two weeks of Sofia-time. I’ll try to retreat gracefully, remembering that with toddlers everything is transient. And be thankful that Sofia has so many people who love her and whom she will grow to love too.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Hey Sofamum, So lovely that you have your little girl, well done to you and your partner, though your blog makes me want to cry a little, maybe unacknowledged mourning of my own at not having had a child, though it was a choice I made, it also has been a choice *forced* on me, if you know what I mean. There is simply not enough documentation on women with ME and pregnancy. It is different for those women who already had children then became ill, but the stories of those who decide to risk pregnancy when already ill have to be heard...
Hi Sofamum, I saw your blog mentioned on the lovely Seats for Landing, and rushed straight over. Parenting with ME has been on my mind a lot lately.
I've never read anything penned by a mother with severe ME, it was like finding a speck of gold in a pan of sand.
Let me tell you, after reading your whole blog, I am inspired, impressed and terrified, and yes, I shed a few tears as well. Thank you for writing about this.
Post a Comment